May 14th, 2025
What is the true test of friendship? The ability to communicate about difficult matters? Does it have to be someone who shares interests and hobbies? Must it be a person you know isn’t fake, and you can “be yourself” around?
I’ll give you a simple, but effective test to determine which friends you can trust. Leave a large piece of cilantro in your teeth after eating tacos, or tuck a clean piece of toilet paper in your belt loop, or purposely stage a personal wardrobe malfunction, then see which of your friends will tell you the truth about your appearance.
Flattery is cheap these days. We’ve created mechanisms in our culture to praise someone for everything from getting out of bed in the morning to posting any random picture of themselves to doing a silly little dance. We don’t need more people to give us insincere affirmation. We need friends who will tell us the truth.
It’s not just today, though. Flattery isn’t something new. There has always been a temptation to make and try to sustain friendships with flattery. And let’s be honest, we all like our egos to be stroked every once in a while.
That’s why we need the wisdom of Proverbs. “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet,” reads Proverbs 29:5, and Proverbs 26:28 warns, “a flattering mouth works ruin.”
Flattery, in the end, does much more harm than good. So, if you have a “friend” who’s buttering you up all the time, watch out!
At the same time, we need to be the right kind of friend to others. Sometimes this isn’t easy. Don’t be surprised if it strains the friendship for a time. Proverbs 28:23 says, “He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward than he who flatters with his tongue.” Afterward? After what? Presumably, there will be a time of difficulty if you have to “speak the truth in love” to a close friend.
Firmness, not flattery…isn’t that what we all need? It’s funny, today we’ll hire someone to tell us the things we need to hear (e.g., eat healthy, work out, organize your life, stop engaging in self-destructive thinking and behavior), but when a good friend tries to give us honest advice, we’re easily offended.
Remember, “faithful are the wounds of a friend,” (27:6), and just a few verses later Solomon adds, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel" (27:9).
Commenting on “faithful wounds,” Tim Keller writes, “The phrase means that real friends do open rebuke, they tell each other things they need to hear even if they are painful. If you are too afraid to say what needs to be said, you are really an enemy of your friend’s soul.”[1]
But if you have the love and courage, in the long run (“afterward”), your earnest counsel will be considered “sweetness.” What a privilege it is to love in this way! And how sweet it is to be loved by those who truly care for our souls.
____________________________________
[1] Keller, Tim, God’s Wisdom for Navigating Life, 166.
I’ll give you a simple, but effective test to determine which friends you can trust. Leave a large piece of cilantro in your teeth after eating tacos, or tuck a clean piece of toilet paper in your belt loop, or purposely stage a personal wardrobe malfunction, then see which of your friends will tell you the truth about your appearance.
Flattery is cheap these days. We’ve created mechanisms in our culture to praise someone for everything from getting out of bed in the morning to posting any random picture of themselves to doing a silly little dance. We don’t need more people to give us insincere affirmation. We need friends who will tell us the truth.
It’s not just today, though. Flattery isn’t something new. There has always been a temptation to make and try to sustain friendships with flattery. And let’s be honest, we all like our egos to be stroked every once in a while.
That’s why we need the wisdom of Proverbs. “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet,” reads Proverbs 29:5, and Proverbs 26:28 warns, “a flattering mouth works ruin.”
Flattery, in the end, does much more harm than good. So, if you have a “friend” who’s buttering you up all the time, watch out!
At the same time, we need to be the right kind of friend to others. Sometimes this isn’t easy. Don’t be surprised if it strains the friendship for a time. Proverbs 28:23 says, “He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward than he who flatters with his tongue.” Afterward? After what? Presumably, there will be a time of difficulty if you have to “speak the truth in love” to a close friend.
Firmness, not flattery…isn’t that what we all need? It’s funny, today we’ll hire someone to tell us the things we need to hear (e.g., eat healthy, work out, organize your life, stop engaging in self-destructive thinking and behavior), but when a good friend tries to give us honest advice, we’re easily offended.
Remember, “faithful are the wounds of a friend,” (27:6), and just a few verses later Solomon adds, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel" (27:9).
Commenting on “faithful wounds,” Tim Keller writes, “The phrase means that real friends do open rebuke, they tell each other things they need to hear even if they are painful. If you are too afraid to say what needs to be said, you are really an enemy of your friend’s soul.”[1]
But if you have the love and courage, in the long run (“afterward”), your earnest counsel will be considered “sweetness.” What a privilege it is to love in this way! And how sweet it is to be loved by those who truly care for our souls.
____________________________________
[1] Keller, Tim, God’s Wisdom for Navigating Life, 166.
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